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[aibashi.livejournal.com]

Title: Green On Blue
Ratings: G
Words: 2114
Pairing: non-explicit KaoruxToshiya
Disclaimer: not mine.



Whisper whilst I'm still waiting in front of the door
I wait for you

Whispering conforting words to myself I am waiting in front of your door. I can't remember how many minutes i've just spent here. Playing with the key you gave me years ago in my hands, wondering if I should enter. Are you waiting for me? I know that you're not. I look at my watch, it's not late you probably even didn't eat anything, I won't bother if I enter. We will probably cook something, and watch anime, or talk. I smile to myself. I am the one who's waiting for you.

Whisper your love and just
Pick up the days I drop along

Even if it's cold outside I am starting to feel warm and my hands are getting sweaty. Maybe I should knock the door instead going and entering. I feel like a stalker. But I also know that it's ok for you, that I can enter and visit you everytime I want to. But... what If you're with someone? I shake my head slowly. No, leader-sama, you love the solitude more than anything else, time to think alone. I bother then?

My life is seeping through my hands
And so my blisters bleed out love

I decide to open the door. I swear my hands are trembling, I hold my breath and open the door, looking inside, searching for you. I can't see you, for a moment I think that you're sleeping in your room. I slip off my shoes and walk around. You're heating something in the microwave, I smile again, you're not good at cooking, neither I am. I walk to the mainroom and the TV is on, your table full of scores and empty beers, trashed cigs. The I can hear the water running, you're taking a shower. Maybe i am really bothering, you're taking a shower and you made something for eat. There's no reason for being here. But before I can get up and walk away from you, you come from the bathroom, shirtless. Playing with your wet hair. You stare at me and blink, indeed, you weren't waiting for me.

What holds you is not me
And I'll never close my door

But then, you smile at me. Your smile. You say nothing, just walk to your room and come back fully dressed. Walking slowly you sit next to me in the couch. And I smile back. I think I won't change time like this for anything. We don't talk for a while, the situation is so cold and tense. I don't know what to say and you don't know either. You move your hand to your pack of cigarretes and light one, then grab one of your beers and sip it. Then, you stare at me and smile faintly.

"You have your juices in the fridge, if you don't want a beer"

I can't help but smile broadly. You're so nice with me. I nod at you and get up, and when I arrive to the kitchen I remember you were cooking. I open the microwave and take what was inside. Instant ramen, for two people? I blink, maybe... you were waiting for me? I decide to serve it in two bowls and walk back to the mainroom, taking the juice you bought for me, of course. I walk back to the mainroom, and you're there watching the tv's screen with blanky eyes. I sit again next to you and hand you the ramen bowl, you smile again nodding.

"it was getting cold..." I manage to say when I take my own sticks to eat the ramen. I think that you mumble somekind of 'thank you' but I didn't really listen to it.

We say nothing, again. So many minutes of sacred silence, just bother by the sip sounds of our eating or drinking. Finally, you open your mouth.

"It was a long time since the last you came here..." You are not looking at me, you're facing your ramen, playing with the sticks and with the noodles.

I shrug a bit "I.. i was somelike busy..." you're making me feel nervous, my hands sweating, maybe it's just because the hot ramen bowl in my hand.

You smile faintly, with a little sound, for a moment I think you're laughing "Dates?"

I shrug again, my voice smaller as I take a sip from my juice "Just sex..."



'Cause I want give you every time
What you find
In this mess that I am



You nod slowly, what else you can do? It's not that I am proud of what I said, and more with the fact that I say it to you. Why am I so worried and nervous? We are nothing to each other, nothing real or regular. You said it once. Just sex. Just for fun and for relax. Just when we needed each other, we'll be there. Not a normal relationship. Not intimacy. No kisses. No love, uh? Then why my throat is dry and my eyes wet, why I want to scream to you that I am sorry, to scream you If you can hold me in your arms? I know that you can hear me, and that you can read my thoughts that I am just lying to myself because one day I said I was okay with this situation. You've found what i am trying to hide, you found myself. Didn't you?



Just whisper
Your tiny voice
I know that the stars will shine across your eyes
I want to open you
And find what you're hiding inside



The situation is almost funny. We both fell silent, the room is just filled with the sipping sound, the moves of our sticks and the rumour of the TV. When we both finish, we leave the bowl in the table and watch to the tv like fools. Just commercials, Why are we making this? I side-stare at you. What are you hiding inside? Sometimes, when we are like this I really wish I could open you and find what you're hiding inside that stoic and cold façade of you. Your icy mask. When i am staring, intenselly; even if it is with the corner of my eye you stare at me back, turning your face at me. I blush and look down immediatly. I can see how you first smile and then, with a fluid move, you come closer to me and put an arm around me, pushing me close against your chest.



Just whisper
Just whisper
Just whisper



I can say nothing for a while. I snuggle against you, squeezing my face against your chest. Feeling your warmness, your fragance, yourself. I can't remember when was the last time we hold each other like this. I can feel your hand strocking my hair slowly, as you move with other fluid movement of yours, you move and lean on the couch, making me lean on you. Your hands running down my spine, your lips on my hair, while I am being held against you. If I could describe happines it would be described as a moment like this.

"I love you..." I whisper, hiding my blushed face against your chest again. Shyness. I can't be helped. I can't almost remember when was the last time I said those three words to you. I expect nothing for you, not a 'me too', nothing like that. But you make something, you let out a sound from your lips, like a grateful sigh and hug me close, your arms around my waist, holding me tightly. You whisper something, but I can't really understand it. Maybe you just whisper, just whisper.



I know that the stars will shine across your eyes
I want to open you
And find what you're hiding inside
Find a way to give myself
Find a way to give myself



I close my eyes and I memorize all the sweet feelings that you bring to me. I can feel your heartbeat against your chest, which is moving slowly because your soft breath. I can still feel your arms around my waist and your lips, almost caressing, my hair. I really wish I could open you and ask you what I mean for you, what we mean for each other, what are you hiding inside, what are thinking, feeling? But I rather like to be like this, being held by your, protected by you. I look up after I while and I stare at you, your eyes are more powerfull than ever, or they seem that to me. So beautiful. Like a star it's shinnin' across them.

Inside my mind as I wish that I could stop time and spend some time, an eternity; like that, being holding by you and feeling you, I am starting to think how i can find a way to give myself to you, to make you understand what do you feel for me, what do I feel for you. How we can make things return as those happy life I always remember in my dreams. But searching in my mind, I can see nothing. Maybe we are just better like this. Maybe it is the right way, the only way we can stay together without hurt each other. if only.. If only I could find a way...



Find a way to give all my love to you


I don't know how many time we spend like this. Maybe just a few minutes, maybe hours but I don't want to finish it. I want to sleep in your arms and feel safe and loved. But my mind, my common sense it's crying out inside my mind that I can't, that I have to come back home. That I can't stay with you much more. I whimper. I don't want to, but it's the best, indeed, we can do. I swift slowly between your arms, and you look at me, wondering, taking with your fingers a few locks of hair off from my face. I smile faintly.

"I should leave..." I said, whispering again, as my voice could break the perfect and loving situation we create.

"don't..." you whisper, again. But this time I can clearly hear you.

My eyes wide when I hear you. Why? You don't want me to leave, but how I can stay? After all those months, almost years. After the confession I made to you, after those three words. It's this easy? Just a don't a nod from me and everything can be as it was? My mind is spinning, driving circles inside my head. I am getting mad. I whisper "I.. you know I can't stay..." i sigh, nervously "I should not.."

You shake your head. "It's late" You say, with a leader tone, then I can say no to you? "Stay here tonight, you have clothes here..."

I look at you again, your eyes are bright and shiny, your words slowly and soft, like a lullaby. You're here. You're not my dream I can't let this chance go. So I nod "O..Okay..."

You smile again, looking satisfied. And you say nothing. We just stay like that. Myself leaning against you, my head moving up and down guiding by the rythm of your breath, I can still feeling your arms around me, your breath, your mouth. your love? I think I am getting asleep, my eyelids seems to be so heavy and I can't almost open my eyes anymore, I can feel how you swift, holding my body and you get up. You wal slowly to your room. Slowly, carefully, you leave me on the bed and walk to the wardrobe and take a pajama from inside and hand it to me. After that you dissapear. I take the clothes and smile, are you keeping all this, since a lot of time ago? I undress slowly, changin myself into the cotton soft pajama and slip into the bed. I yawn.

You enter back after a while, fully dressed with one of your silk dark pajamas and walk to the bed to. You slip into it, slowly and cover us both with the sheets and blanket. I stare at you and snuggle against your chest again, my eyelids closed, sleepy, dreamy.

"I love you..." I whisper again as I am getting more and more sleepy.

You put an arm around me and hug me close, kissing my forehead. This time you whisper and I can hear you. "Me too..."

"someday I will find a way to give all my love to you..." I think to myself and lean against you. I smile and fell asleep betweeen your arms.