planetarylight | (no subject)

Title: Heart and Lungs
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Non implied Kaoru/Toshiya
Rating: G
Summary: But what Toshiya knows is that love shouldn't feel like you're being carried to the end of the world, to an endless downward spiral. Dangerous, and painful, and cold. He should know how to stop it, yet he can't.
Comments: ....
i don't even know about this, i swear. i started to write it out of the blue, and i think this is the angstiest thing i've ever written, for real.
it's unbeated and shit so the grammar sucks. and so on.

but comments are love. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

Love.
Love shouldn't feel like this, and Toshiya is aware of that.

He's old enough, too old; he thinks sometimes.
When he wakes up in the morning and his shoulder cracks. When he needs to secure his wrists with tight bands, because he just knows they won't last much, concert after concert, rehearsal after rehearsal.
There are times, specific times when Toshiya feels like he has lived too much. Like he has felt too much. Like he lived a lifetime in his youth, like his eyes could hold all the secrets the world remain occult. Like he's holding the weight of it on his shoulders.

He's old enough to know that love isn't rainbows and fairytales, that princesses don't exist.
That the world doesn't stop when you're looking into someone else's eyes.
That kisses aren't long term promises, that's the last thing kisses are, actually.

But what Toshiya knows is that love shouldn't feel like you're being carried to the end of the world, to an endless downward spiral. Dangerous, and painful, and cold. He should know how to stop it, yet he can't. He falls over it again, and again. To each promise and each kiss and there's that burning once more time.
It doesn't let him breathe, it doesn't let him live.

What Toshiya should have know, is that there are certain things you shouldn't share with a drunken bandmate. Even if he felt he could shatter down if he didn't let it slip, let it go from his chest. If he knew how easily he could break, if he kept it closer to him. Each tattered piece named with a dissapointment, a fight, a broken promise, a lie. Until all his body is scattered on the floor, broken beyond repair. With little tags of his mistakes, his sins, his love, his name.

"It's not love." Die adds. His hair, too long and soft and always too beautiful, falling into his face like a curtain, making unable to the bassist to read his friend's face. "You know it's not." He continues, as he's trying to explain something he thought it was stablished already. Like how you talk to a child explaining why the water is wet or why the sky is blue. "It's just Kaoru." He added and if Toshiya could have laughed, he would. That was the statement of a year, if not a decade. Or 13 years, if you wanted to be exact. "Just Kaoru and you."

Talk about statements, talk about world truths.
Toshiya seems unable to breath again.

His eyes are closed, wet with tears. His hair is covering half of his hair and a closed fist makes sure the rest of it remains hidden. He could say a lot of things, he could open his mouth and let words come from his lips. Direct from the bottom of his heart. He could talk until he has no breath left, no words left. But no words in the world could explain this, could explain himself.

No one would never understand, not even caring and always willing to help, to offer a listening ear Die.

"There's never Kaoru and me." His chest is so tight. His voice is so timid and low, hoarse. Different, heavy and dark.
It's just perfect, it's the voice of someone who's been carried and pulled around from the end of the world. From the horror and the pain, with small intervals of peace. A fake one, luring him into a faux world, deceiving him long enough for almost feeling happy, for grasping it with his fingers before he is sent back to the dark, to the cold. To his eyes.

He has to take a deep breath, because his body is shivering the fist against his hand looking like it's about to give up, trying to get a hold of him. Like all his body already did.
"It's never like that." He hisses, angry and hurt.

But he sounds dead, he just does. And Die's face snaps up, to look at his friend. And it feels like he's staring at him for first time in his life. Because this is the first time he has seen him like this. So utterfly destroyed and desperate. Hurt. It's like he could really see all the pieces Toshiya could broke into: the mistakes, the sins, the love, the name. And he couldn't help but wonder when, since when he has been breaking in front of him and Die has been unable to notice, like everyone else.

And in the end, Die gives a small nod, because he finally understands.