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planetarylight2009-11-15 04:38 am
aibashi.livejournal.com) wrote in planetarylight2009-11-15 04:38 am
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Title: Untitled
Rating: G
Pairing: kaoru/toshiya
Words: 1227
Disclaimer: not mine.
Summary: Toshiya thinks kaoru's cheating and he talks anbout himself and his relationship with kaoru.
I've never felt this depressed and empty, I've never felt that alone in my life. I've never felt this scared. Not 'till now. Surronded by four walls and your, i feel as i am the only person in the earth. You are at the studio working, i can hear your guitar from here, the sound of the pieces of paper moving and your pencil writting over and over. Finally I can hear how you move and walk to the mainroom. I look at the TV, trying to pretend that I am focused on it, pretending that I can live without you.
You don't look even at me when you are at the mainroom, you grab your jacket and the keys. Softly you say
"I am off to buy cigarretes"
I, who I am still pretending, don't stare at you, i just nod and make a sound with my mouth, after that I can hear the door closing after you. With a jump i get up from the couch, I run to your studio with my heart moving so fast, I look for your cell phone, it's still there next to your tabs, I look over it. I search for sms, for emails for everything can say me that I am right and that my fears are not fake. I reach in your teleohones, looking so fast for a new name, a new number i've never seen before. i bit my tongue, i chewing my lips. Nothing.
I am back to the mainroom with the absolutely knowledge that I am getting more and more paranoid. That maybe it's just my mind that you're not cheating, that you are not betraying me that I can trust you like I did before. I light one of my cigs, i smoke it slowly i let the poison fill my lungs and fall backwards on the couch, lying on it. I feel relieved and it's like the world is laughing with me, for my new found hapiness. Then is like a thunder burns me and i get up in other jump, run to your cell phone and watch over the names and numbers again, is something wrong. Something I didn't see before. Then I find it and my heart jumps. Kaori. Kaori.. Kaori... Who the fuck is kaori? I can imagine a sweet face, a lovely smile and long slender legs dressed with a lovely skirt. I can imagine long hands holding yours, I can imagine a sweet voice whispering.
The fear hurts me like a needle in my skin. My lip is trembling and my eyes are watering. But I do not dare to move. The cold of the room mixes with the heat from my fear and I feel like freezing and burning at the same time. And while tons of weird thoughts of you and her are passing in my mind, I hear the door opening.
You are here. You are back. You leave the keys and take your jacket off as you move to the mainroom. I am still there, freezing and burning and you walk to me "What are you doing?" You say, grabing the cell phone from my hand.
I stare at my empty hand as 'Kaori' is burning my eyes. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act. A part of me wants to cry out, other one wants to burst into tears and other one wants to laugh at myself. I choose the short way "I thought you've got a sms. Maybe it was mine" And I walk to my room with that lame excuse, and you, blind and deaf and dense; don't realise and stay there, sitting on the couch.
I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Helpless tears run down my eyes. I have the right to feel down. I have the right to cry and feel fine while doing it, don't I? I have the right to think that I am not doing something wrong, that is his. I am making nothing wrong. I am making nothing wrong. I repeat myself, 'till I fall asleep.
~~~~~
Weeks passed and it still the same. He goes out often. Before I asked him, later I get tired of the lies and the betrays. It makes me feel little and lower. I am nothing less than you. I can hear the door opening, he's late as always and I stare at the table with teh dinner done and cold and I got fustrated.
"I thought you were going to come back earlier.." I say, with a really tiny voice.
"Problems at studio, Toshiya. just that" You say not even looking at me back.
'Liar!!' I am yelling ouy inside my mind, why I sould believe you? I am so tired about the lies. You just think I am getting mad. I should have the guts to tell you what's burning me inside. I have the right to do it. I have the right to yield to the instinct.
"Who's Kaori?" I say while you are walking to the couch
"Who's Kaori?" you say, you are mocking me.
"Who's Kaori!"
You sigh. I annoy you? "She's just someone I met, toshiya. Don't be such a paranoid person"
"why do you have her mobile phone number?"
He stares at me "It's really this important?"
"It's important! Fuck!! It is important!!"
You shrug, that's not good. Your stare is changing, you are as cold as ice.
"We talked a few times. Take a drink. nothing really important"
I assume those words. I am trying not to get paranoid. I try not to, but I just can imagine you looking at her. I try to imagine how she looks at you. You don't like to argue, so you say nothing either. don't like to argue with me and I know it. You're so logical and you want me to be as logical as you are, but you are not able to. You're so tolerant, too understable. It makes me feel miserable and poor and crazy. Myself, who hides from himself, who tries to avoid my owns problems.
Then I can feel how you hold my hands "I just love you, just you"
I don't belive it. I just don't.
Then you start again. It always the same. You talk about yout freedom, your wings, You say I annoy you, you say you need time to fly free and because of me you can't. I am so silly, myself who I always thought I was your wings, I was the one who gave you the freedom, now I can't make you fly anymore. You say you have the right to see whoever you want, that you will still love me, that I just have to trust you as I always do.
But I, I have the right to die. I have the right to break myself. I have the right to cry and hurt me because you are hurting me. I have the right to think that, If I annoy you, If I am not your wings anymore, I am not that wave that brought calmness to your life. I am not that anymore, I am like a hurricane, which's destroying everything, even you and even me.
What is destroying this?
Just ourselves.
I have the right to yield to the instinct.
Rating: G
Pairing: kaoru/toshiya
Words: 1227
Disclaimer: not mine.
Summary: Toshiya thinks kaoru's cheating and he talks anbout himself and his relationship with kaoru.
I've never felt this depressed and empty, I've never felt that alone in my life. I've never felt this scared. Not 'till now. Surronded by four walls and your, i feel as i am the only person in the earth. You are at the studio working, i can hear your guitar from here, the sound of the pieces of paper moving and your pencil writting over and over. Finally I can hear how you move and walk to the mainroom. I look at the TV, trying to pretend that I am focused on it, pretending that I can live without you.
You don't look even at me when you are at the mainroom, you grab your jacket and the keys. Softly you say
"I am off to buy cigarretes"
I, who I am still pretending, don't stare at you, i just nod and make a sound with my mouth, after that I can hear the door closing after you. With a jump i get up from the couch, I run to your studio with my heart moving so fast, I look for your cell phone, it's still there next to your tabs, I look over it. I search for sms, for emails for everything can say me that I am right and that my fears are not fake. I reach in your teleohones, looking so fast for a new name, a new number i've never seen before. i bit my tongue, i chewing my lips. Nothing.
I am back to the mainroom with the absolutely knowledge that I am getting more and more paranoid. That maybe it's just my mind that you're not cheating, that you are not betraying me that I can trust you like I did before. I light one of my cigs, i smoke it slowly i let the poison fill my lungs and fall backwards on the couch, lying on it. I feel relieved and it's like the world is laughing with me, for my new found hapiness. Then is like a thunder burns me and i get up in other jump, run to your cell phone and watch over the names and numbers again, is something wrong. Something I didn't see before. Then I find it and my heart jumps. Kaori. Kaori.. Kaori... Who the fuck is kaori? I can imagine a sweet face, a lovely smile and long slender legs dressed with a lovely skirt. I can imagine long hands holding yours, I can imagine a sweet voice whispering.
The fear hurts me like a needle in my skin. My lip is trembling and my eyes are watering. But I do not dare to move. The cold of the room mixes with the heat from my fear and I feel like freezing and burning at the same time. And while tons of weird thoughts of you and her are passing in my mind, I hear the door opening.
You are here. You are back. You leave the keys and take your jacket off as you move to the mainroom. I am still there, freezing and burning and you walk to me "What are you doing?" You say, grabing the cell phone from my hand.
I stare at my empty hand as 'Kaori' is burning my eyes. I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act. A part of me wants to cry out, other one wants to burst into tears and other one wants to laugh at myself. I choose the short way "I thought you've got a sms. Maybe it was mine" And I walk to my room with that lame excuse, and you, blind and deaf and dense; don't realise and stay there, sitting on the couch.
I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Helpless tears run down my eyes. I have the right to feel down. I have the right to cry and feel fine while doing it, don't I? I have the right to think that I am not doing something wrong, that is his. I am making nothing wrong. I am making nothing wrong. I repeat myself, 'till I fall asleep.
~~~~~
Weeks passed and it still the same. He goes out often. Before I asked him, later I get tired of the lies and the betrays. It makes me feel little and lower. I am nothing less than you. I can hear the door opening, he's late as always and I stare at the table with teh dinner done and cold and I got fustrated.
"I thought you were going to come back earlier.." I say, with a really tiny voice.
"Problems at studio, Toshiya. just that" You say not even looking at me back.
'Liar!!' I am yelling ouy inside my mind, why I sould believe you? I am so tired about the lies. You just think I am getting mad. I should have the guts to tell you what's burning me inside. I have the right to do it. I have the right to yield to the instinct.
"Who's Kaori?" I say while you are walking to the couch
"Who's Kaori?" you say, you are mocking me.
"Who's Kaori!"
You sigh. I annoy you? "She's just someone I met, toshiya. Don't be such a paranoid person"
"why do you have her mobile phone number?"
He stares at me "It's really this important?"
"It's important! Fuck!! It is important!!"
You shrug, that's not good. Your stare is changing, you are as cold as ice.
"We talked a few times. Take a drink. nothing really important"
I assume those words. I am trying not to get paranoid. I try not to, but I just can imagine you looking at her. I try to imagine how she looks at you. You don't like to argue, so you say nothing either. don't like to argue with me and I know it. You're so logical and you want me to be as logical as you are, but you are not able to. You're so tolerant, too understable. It makes me feel miserable and poor and crazy. Myself, who hides from himself, who tries to avoid my owns problems.
Then I can feel how you hold my hands "I just love you, just you"
I don't belive it. I just don't.
Then you start again. It always the same. You talk about yout freedom, your wings, You say I annoy you, you say you need time to fly free and because of me you can't. I am so silly, myself who I always thought I was your wings, I was the one who gave you the freedom, now I can't make you fly anymore. You say you have the right to see whoever you want, that you will still love me, that I just have to trust you as I always do.
But I, I have the right to die. I have the right to break myself. I have the right to cry and hurt me because you are hurting me. I have the right to think that, If I annoy you, If I am not your wings anymore, I am not that wave that brought calmness to your life. I am not that anymore, I am like a hurricane, which's destroying everything, even you and even me.
What is destroying this?
Just ourselves.
I have the right to yield to the instinct.